'...and it's sweet, sweet, Sweet Victory, yeah'... into Independence

"The private Victory must precede the Public Victory. You can't invert that process any more than you can harvest before you plant."

Once you have achieved your private victory of overcoming the first 3 Habits of Being Proactive, Beginning with the end in mind & putting first things first you have now achieved a private victory.

This means you have now transitioned from being dependant on others and your situations/circumstances to being independent. By achieving a higher sense of independence you have raised your trustworthiness as well as your confidence.

The private victory means that you can now 'make deposits rather than withdrawals' in your 'Emotional Bank Account'.

Your emotional bank account is Covey's metaphor for the amount of trust that exists in the relationships around you.

'Deposits' build and repair that trust, while 'withdrawals' break down and lessen the bond. You should always try to keep the ratio of deposits vs. withdrawals around 3-5:1.

Deposits are the following behaviours:

• seeking first to understand,
• showing kindness, courtesy & respect,
• keeping promises and being loyal to those absent,
• setting clear expectations & making apologies when needed,
• giving feedback (constructive criticism starting with 'I ...")
• and being able to forgive

Withdrawals are the following behaviours:

• assuming you understand,
• showing unkindness, discourtesy & disrespect,
• breaking your promises and having a disloyal bad mouth,
• creating unclear expectations,
• being too proud or arrogant,
• giving no feedback or evaluating someone's character (messages starting with 'you ...")
• and holding grudges

Anyone who has successfully achieved their first step to total effectiveness should be very proud of the transitions of trustworthiness and confidence that they have awakened. To keep your spirits high and hopefully I'd like to share with you a great story that Covey uses as an example of using your emotional bank account...

Why does Private Victory precede Public Victory? A Ghandi Story...
There was a six-year old boy living in the same Indian community as Mahatma Ghandi. This boy had a very strong sweet tooth. He couldn't resist sugar. Because he was diabetic, the sugar created painful boils all over his body.

His parents took him to the doctor, who said the boy must avoid all sweets; otherwise, the ailment would not go away. The parents nagged the boy every day to stop eating sugar, but this was a challenge the boy wasn't willing to overcome.

In desperation, the boy's mother came to Ghandi and asked if he could please convince her boy not to eat sweets. Ghandi said "Come back in 15 days and I';; speak to him then." So the mother came back in 15 days. Ghandi took her son aside and spoke to him for a few minutes. The boy went home and immediately gave up sweets.

The mother was puzzled. She asked Ghandi later, "why did you ask us to come back after 15 days? And what miracle did you perform to get my son to quit eating sweets?"
Ghandi replied that it wasn't a miracle. "When your boy first came to me, I too had been eating sugar." He had told the boy that he couldn't ask him to do something that he, Ghandi, wasn't willing to do himself.

"Who you are speaks so loudly I cant hear what you're saying." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Please feel free to comment about this story or your own achievements in Private and Independent Victories.

Up Next: 'Get in the Habit' of Thinking Win-Win